I am going to tell you something, but you have to promise to keep it a secret.
I have done something big for Greendale. Huge. But it is a surprise, so do not go telling Village President John Hermes, Village Manager Todd Michaels or the Board of Trustees. Same goes to new School Superintendent John Tharp. Mums the word. Pinkie swear.
Here is the secret: Still drunk with the splendor of the London Games, I have signed Greendale up to host the 2020 Summer Olympics! (Apparently, I was a little late on the 2016 games. Rio, I hate you so much.)
The application has recently been filed with the I.O.C. (International Olympic Committee, I believe) and even after several days, I have not received a rejection. We are practically in. Wait until Greenfield hears about this!
Actually, I am a little surprised I am the only one from the Garden Community to have filled out an application. However, there was a lot of writing involved, so perhaps – all modesty aside – I was just the guy for the job. I am, after all, a professional writer.
(No doubt you are familiar with my work as the author of the Subject Lines on all those phishing emails clogging up your spam filter. Some of my more popular works include, “We have your dog, now give us your Credit Card number”,“Fed eReturn Waiting – Need your Bank Acct # NOW!” and of course the one that made me famous, the won that took home all the awards, “Cheap Viagra! Free Shipping!”.)
Anyway, back to the 2020 Greendale Summer Games. (BTW – Another 5 minutes has gone by and still no rejection from the I.O.C.) Greendale is, of course, a natural to host the games. We are ready. Heck, we could pull this off in a weekend, weather permitting.
Our track at Greendale High School is in great shape (oval) and uses the Metric System. We will do things like the javelin throw and discus toss simultaneously with soccer matches, adding a little needed spice to these events.
Tennis? Greendale has 22 tennis courts within a half mile stretch, plus those two new mini courts at the Village Club for the smaller countries. Village Club Pro Mike Patneaude could whip up a friendly tourney, starting at 9 a.m., wrapping up by noon, followed by a nice hot dog lunch (with chips) for all the contestants. We will need VC members to kick in some Guest Passes for the likes of Federer and Nadal – both notorious fence hoppers.
Biking? Root River Parkway. Fencing? Historic Hose Tower. Gymnastics? How about at the gym? (Duh!) Swimming? Scout Lake. (The pool at the High School is always too cold.)
I also took the liberty of modifying some of the Olympic events. Table tennis will now be Beer Pong, taking place at Ray and Dot’s – home of the value-priced tapper. Kayaking will now be Carry Your Kayak in the rather shallow Root River.
Also, any event that includes the word “Synchronized” will not be allowed.
There will be new events. I have added Competitive Poms – and installed Greendale High School’s team as the #1 seed. The Pint Sprints will be held at . An international field of highly- satisfied contestants will down pints of Butter Pecan as quickly as possible, ignoring the crippling side effect of ‘brain freeze’. Sidewalk Edging will also be introduced, mostly out of community need.
Purposely, there is a little ambiguity in our application for the games. I may have fudged some numbers regarding our population, our rapid transit and our hotel room counts. Also, if the populous move to legalize medicinal marijuana picks up steam, modifications to the High Jump will become necessary. Other than that, we are golden.
Good news - I just checked my answering machine. Still no I.O.C. rejection. Greendale, get ready for your Summer Games. N B “C” you in 2020!