This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

Abused and Confused: When You Want to Leave But You Don't Know How

Many people, mostly women, stay in dangerous marriages because they are paralyzed by fear and self-doubt.

Many people, mostly women, stay in dangerous marriages because they are paralyzed by fear and self-doubt.  In a dangerous marriage, being afraid is healthy and normal.  Unfortunately, fear tends to shut us down rather than strengthen us.  This shutting down is biological – a very real mechanism that “prey” use in an attempt to survive an attacker.  Anyone who has gotten close to an opossum has had the opportunity to see this mechanism up close.  When applied to a dangerous marriage – and repeated over and over -- this mechanism can keep an abused woman frozen in place with her abuser.

The effects of fear are compounded by self-doubt.  Years of systematic emotional abuse (often starting in childhood) can cause what I call the 'fun house effect'.  In a fun house, one mirror shows you tall and skinny and the next short and fat.  The floor moves one way and then another.  It is the same with emotional abuse.  You are constantly kept off balance by the questioning and even ridiculing of your perception of reality.  After time, you begin to doubt all of your thoughts and feelings – even your thoughts of leaving and your feelings of being in danger. 

And then there is empathy.  Odds are your partner was abused as a child or at the very least witnessed abuse.  You probably feel like you understand him better than anyone else.  You relate to his brokenness.  No wonder, with what you have been through.  But empathy (or love) does not mean that you have to be a victim.  No one -- not you, your partner or your children -- will be able to become unstuck until someone takes the first step – and you know deep down that it will have to be you.  You have the key.  You are the key.

Find out what's happening in Greendalewith free, real-time updates from Patch.

You need to make a phone call to Sojourner Family Peace Center or the Women's Center if you are in southeastern Wisconsin  or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline  at 1 (800) 799-SAFE.  Put aside your fear and your self-doubt for five minutes and tell someone exactly what is happening to you.  That's it.  They are the 'experts' and they will know what you should do from this point on.  Listen to them and trust them.  They will guide you to a better place.

Also, know that there are many people in the community that care about you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  If you need financial education or advice while you are on your new journey, call me.  I will slide my fee scale down to zero if I have to.

Find out what's happening in Greendalewith free, real-time updates from Patch.

The information being provided is strictly as a courtesy. When you link to the web-site provided herein, Wilcox Financial Advisors makes no representation as to the completeness or accuracy of information provided at this site. Nor is the company liable for any direct or indirect technical or system issues or any consequences arising out of your access to or your use of third-party technologies, sites, information and programs made available through this site.

Registered Principal, Securities offered through Cambridge Investment Research, Inc., a Broker/Dealer, Member FINRA/SIPC.  Investment Advisor Representative, Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor.  Cambridge and Wilcox Financial Advisors, s.c. are not affiliated.  Wilcox Financial Advisors, s.c., is located at 10521 West Layton Avenue, Suite 200, Greenfield, Wisconsin  53228. www.laurawilcox.info 

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?