My Exclusive (And Revealing) Interview With Mitt Romney

Mr. Romney adds a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Olympic Doping" on his recent gaffe-filled trip abroad. See how he reacts when I confront him about his overseas missteps.


Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney's recent road trip abroad, which took him from Europe to the Middle East, was intended to be a showcase for his diplomatic skills and to boaster his foreign policy experience, but a number of embarrassing gaffes have the public questioning whether or not Mr. Romney is ready for the Presidency, should he win it this Fall.

At Romney's final stop in Poland there were to be no voice-recording devices allowed in as he engaged in a photo op with Poland's former President Lech Walesa, but a journalist did get a clear recording of Romney's number one assistant telling reporters to "Kiss my a**, this is a holy place in Poland!" after they tried to ask Romney questions about his previous gaffes in Israel and England.

Romney arrived back home early Wednesday morning and was kind enough to grant me an interview via Skype as he oiled up his new car elevator in his San Diego mansion.

Mr. Romney, thank you for taking the time out of your busy campaign schedule to speak with me. I hope you have had time to at least relax a little since you've been back home . . .

Mitt Romney: "Oiling up the ole' automobile elevator relaxes me. My wife and I just had this baby put in a couple of months ago to make room for my growing collection of rare collectible cars and her Cadillacs."

You have taken some flack for installing a multi-million dollar elevator in your home just for automobiles while at the same time agreeing with Tea Party Congressman Rand Paul that the Americans With Disabilities Act goes too far when it requires new buildings to have elevators installed in them to make accommodations for people with disabilities? How do you then justify an elevator in your home - for cars?

Mitt Romney: "Look, I'm not going to apologize for being successful. And besides, Cadillacs are people my friend, and my wife buys enough of them to keep GM in business all by herself, so see, it wasn't Barack Obama and the Democrats who bailed them out and saved tens of thousands of jobs, it was the Romneys. And as far as elevators in new buildings go - they are expensive and why should an employer have to be burdened with the cost of installing one for the few people who are confined to a wheelchair and want to go to work? I advocate making all disabled people work in the basement and then installing playground slides in office buildings and letting these people slide right into their work stations. Sounds fair and pretty fun doesn't it?"

Well possibly, but can we get down to some questions I have about your recent trip overseas in which many are claiming was marred with very large public gaffes with foreign . . .

Mitt Romney: "I keep hearing that and I have no idea what people are talking about! This is just another example of the liberal media spreading lies. I don't have any large giraffes overseas, and if I did I certainly wouldn' take them out in public. I do however have quite a few offshore bank accounts, but I'm trying my hardest to keep those private. And the only foreign giraffe I know of is that Melman character from Madagascar 3, who is voiced by that actor from "Friends" David Schwimmer. Boy, he is one funny Jew." 

That's exactly what the media is talking about. You just made a racist remark about Jews and while you were in Israel you insulted the Palestinians and possibly some Jews by saying the Jews were better with money because it was in their heritage. And a gaffe is not an animal, but rather an unintentional act or remark causing embarrassment.

Mitt Romney: "That's just nonsense. Everything I say is intentional. And boy, if I thought it were true that Jews were better with money simply because they were Jewish, then I would have converted from Mormonism 30 years ago." 

There's no need to overreact, other Americans had public gaffes overseas this week. Hope Solo of the womens' soccer team tweeted some embarrassing remarks against American TV analyst and retired soccer star Brandi Chastain . . . 

Mitt Romney: "Hope Solo - Listen, anyone who escapes from being frozen in carbonite by Jaba The Hut and then helps destroy the Death-star can tweet whatever the hell they want in my book!" 

Okay . . . While you were in England you insulted the Mayor of London by suggesting that his large city wasn't quite prepared for the Olympic games. Some are saying this is a mistake because it shows your incompetence in diplomacy.

Mitt Romney: "Look, that was a gaffe that went public, but there were plenty of good moments that the liberal press isn't promoting that could have showcased my good diplomatic skills . . . like when Prime Minister David Cameron asked me at a private luncheon what kind of tea bag I would like served to me, it took all of my inner strength to not punch him in his ugly English mug - I very simply and calmly told him that as an American conservative I don't care to partake in his liberal European homosexual rituals, but I know of a few Republican colleagues who are huge tea-baggers in more ways than one if you know what I mean . . . and that if I become President I would be more than happy to introduce them to each other."

In Britain, afternoon tea is served like morning coffee is in America, or like Jack Daniels is well, anytime in Mississippi, so that too was a gaffe.

Mitt Romney: "My bad."

Besides those rather embarrassing gaffes, did you enjoy any part of your visit to London?

Mitt Romney: "My time in the Olympic village was interesting  - I haven't seen so much pill-popping and casual sex since Rush Limbaugh's birthday party last year. And let me tell you something . . . if beer pong were an Olympic event, Michael Phelps and myself would definitely earn gold in a doubles match."

I have been following the Olympics from my TV here in the states, and like most people I have a few favorite events that I enjoy watching, like the men's pommel horse. Do you have any favorite Olympic events? I know you and your wife own a horse that is in the Olympic event known as the Dressage.

Mitt Romney: "To be quite honest I have never been very athletic and I am not familiar with this "pommel horse" event that you speak of, but I have pummeled a few horses in my time and if my wife's two million dollar fancy horse comes home without a medal I'm going to donate his lazy a** to the Elmer's Glue factory." 

All right, getting off the subject of the Olympics - While in Israel, besides insulting the Palestinians by saying the Jews were better with finances you also made the statement that the United States should look towards the Israeli health care system as a model. Are you aware that the Israeli health care system has mandated universal coverage for all of its citizens and a large amount of federal government control and oversight?

Mitt Romney: "Are we talking about Israel or Massachusetts? Stop confusing me . . . Can we change the subject please?"

Okay, Rolling Stone Magazine recently released their list of the top 500 albums of all-time, with the Beatles holding four of the top ten spots. Are you a fan of the Beatles?

Mitt Romney: "You know, I never really cared for that John Lennon - he was a long-haired, free-living, peace-loving hippy who went against the established religion of his day . . . Or was that Jesus?"

Okay, so the Beatles are not your thing - Do you have any other bands or favorite songs that you would like to share with the public?

Mitt Romney: "I'm kind of fond of 80's rock . . . That was a great decade for me. I made my first $100 million, most of my legitimate children were born and I chopped more cocaine on my dresser mirror every morning than I chopped heads every afternoon as the CEO of Bain Capital - Boy I miss Reaganomics."

Mr. Romney - your favorite songs?

Mitt Romney: "Oh yeah, sorry. All right, let me see . . . "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straights really got me pumped up. "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears For Fears seems to still play over and over in my head as I run for President, and one song that I always liked but was a little shy to share with anyone was "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. - But my all-time favorite has to be that patriotic song by that nice Christian rock group Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Fortunate Son."

Creedence Clearwater Revival was a progressive and anachronistic band that often wrote songs about the plight of working class people - and your favorite song, "Fortunate Son" is written from the perspective of a man who is being drafted into the Vietnam War who is not "fortunate" enough to be the son of a Senator or millionaire.

Mitt Romney: "Looks like I'll be returning that 8-track tape to Sears. You seem to be more up-to-date on music than I am - Would you suggest a more modern tune that I could use as a theme song to play on the campaign trail?"

"The Pretender" by the Foo Fighters comes to mind.


Disclaimer: This "interview" was fictional, but please check back next week when I share my actual conversation with Wisconsin State Representative Jeff Stone, who is far less of an important figure in the GOP than Mitt Romney, but only slightly more approachable.

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oak creek resident August 03, 2012 at 03:01 PM
Idiot Bren. Anyone who roasts Obama, or even disagrees with him, is labeled as a racist. See the stupidity of the left?
Lee August 03, 2012 at 03:11 PM
Jason, you are a very talented writer. Your blogs certainly "stir the pot". Love it.
Bren August 03, 2012 at 03:34 PM
oak creek, I see the name-calling of the right! ; ) From what I've seen, heard, and read (tv, video, print), Pres. Obama seems to be able to take care of himself in the wit department. You won't convince me that racism isn't a factor among the thick-amygdala group (Introducing Exhibit A., the famous "He's not uh...He's an Arab" exchange. Audio/text here: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1008/14479.html). oak creek, if you ever have your amygdala scanned, please share the results in the interest of science!
The Donny Show August 03, 2012 at 03:41 PM
MY satire. Q: Jason, how often do you beat your wife. A: I dont beat my wife. She would never alllow that. Q: Jason, does your wife know you write these blogs? A: NO. Dont tell her. I write while she is gone. I am supposed to be mopping the floors. She would shove the broom handle up my arse if she knew. Q: Changing the subject a bit....Sandusky terrorized young boys.. A: (interupting) No he didnt. He was actually just being a father figure to them. Q: A father figure? A: Yes. That is what good fathers do. They shower with their kids. That is what my dad did. Q: That explains a lot. A: What does that mean? .
The Donny Show August 03, 2012 at 03:41 PM
Q: Ask your wife. A: I can't. I am a stay-at-home dad. We do as we are told . I'm no allowed to answer questions. I have no real skill. I would never get a real job. I do what I am told. Q: You are going to vote for Obama in fall? A: If that is what she says I can do. I want to. Q: Why? What has he done to earn a second term? A: He is black. If you dont vote for him you are a racist. By the way. A vote for anyone but Tammy Baldwin....BIGOT! Q: Really? Who told you that? A: Rachel Maddow. She tells me what to think. The MRS tells me what to do. Remember? Q: You live a sad life. Have you ever thought of leaving? You dont HAVE to stay? You can make your own decisions; think of your own. A: She'd never let me. Q: You dont get it. A: Only once a year when she is in the mood. Or are we talking about something else
oak creek resident August 03, 2012 at 03:48 PM
Uh yeah, I am going to find a clinic to get my amygdala scanned. How aren't you oh so intelligent. There was once a liberal so open-minded that his brains fell out.
oak creek resident August 03, 2012 at 03:50 PM
Q: How did you pick those 2002 women's glasses? A: Rachel Maddow
oak creek resident August 03, 2012 at 03:55 PM
OMG I just looked at Jason's facebook page, and guess what? 80% of his "friends" are women. Guess my assessment of him was 100% dead on. Also, I don't see a job listed. His only job is to whine and hate on those very same people who are actually PRODUCTIVE. He is a weak limp-wrist leach.
Hank Reardon August 03, 2012 at 04:00 PM
His genitals are proudly kept in a mason jar on the fireplace mantle by his burly wife.
Walker August 03, 2012 at 04:00 PM
Speaking of jobs,why don't you get off your parents computerr, get a job & be "PRODUCTIVE"?
Greg August 03, 2012 at 04:23 PM
So Wisconsin is no longer in the U.S.? Wisconsin has a ballanced budget, the U.S. doesn't have one.
Greg August 03, 2012 at 04:28 PM
I think Jason and Walker may be the same person.
skinnyDUDE August 03, 2012 at 04:37 PM
Ouch ! Jason piece illustrates how being liberal is a mental disorder . He even tried to hide the fact with the label of Humor . A humor I didn't see. But that said he can post what he likes but than he has to except what he stirs in the pot. He crossed the line in bad taste and lowered the bar for even liberal commentary as it all quite meaningless. Perhaps you did the same to prove a point. Overall I found this blog in particular a waste of space. With another awful jobs report and a uptick in unemployment we need to defeat this clown Obama or the country is sunk.
Bren August 03, 2012 at 04:40 PM
These highly emotional responses indicate defensiveness and growing antagonism. I understand the physical traits that cause individuals to have greater or lesser intellectual flexibility and/or capacity. In the Dark Ages (and in primitive early societies) individuals of insight were often accused of witchcraft, insanity, etc., and were either killed or forced to flee for their own safety. I would suggest that the same mentality exists in some people today, and that name-calling takes the place of a club or burning torch.
oak creek resident August 03, 2012 at 04:42 PM
Gred, yes they are the same person - a brainwashed collective of pod-people. Doesn't matter which body you talk to, they all share the same mind & thought. The perfect socialist entity.
James R Hoffa August 03, 2012 at 04:43 PM
@Steve ® - Next time, we'll have to include the UAW logo with our Cadillacs and compare them to Bren's POS Toyota Camry!
Greg August 03, 2012 at 04:49 PM
Bren, I found nothing in this blog to flex my intellect, did it yours?
Walker August 03, 2012 at 05:04 PM
Obviously comprehension is not one of your strong points. Wisconsin took from the overall total. Had it at least broke even the national #'s would be >13k higher. Hurray for a balanced budget! I'm sure that more than makes up for the >13k lost jobs. Balanced on the backs of the middle class. Such a guy.
Walker August 03, 2012 at 05:09 PM
Funny how it always starts with "I think" when it's obvious you don't.
Greg August 03, 2012 at 05:19 PM
That was funny?
Walker August 03, 2012 at 05:22 PM
Back to lack of comprehension . . . .doh!
Steve ® August 03, 2012 at 05:24 PM
awesome idea, can't wait
Steve W August 03, 2012 at 09:43 PM
Where was the disclaimer? Why wasn't the word fictional or satirical used in the title of this "interview". Maybe you wouldn't have received so many negative comments if you stated right from the beginning or in the title of this hit piece that you were attempting to be funny. Why can't the left simply try to argue their point why their candidate is the better choice instead of writing crap like this or staging over the top protests or wasting millions on recalls? Every time I read crap like this I go out of my way to convince as many more people as possible to vote conservative.... And stuff like this just makes it easier.
Sara Conrad August 04, 2012 at 12:00 AM
The first story I read by Mr. Patzwhatever was about a dog pooping on a Scott Walker sign, complete with photographs and some completely unintelligent, off base reasoning attached to it. Now this. Sorry. Not going to be duped into reading this dude's lefty lunacy again. In fact, I just put a Post-It on my computer "Do NOT read Patch blogs by Jason Patzpoo"....hopefully by doing so I'll save myself a few head shakes and eye rolls in the future.
Walker August 04, 2012 at 12:39 AM
You have to be able to read to see it: "Disclaimer: This "interview" was fictional, but please check back next week when I share my actual conversation with Wisconsin State Representative Jeff Stone, who is far less of an important figure in the GOP than Mitt Romney, but only slightly more approachable." As plain as day in black & white.
oak creek resident August 04, 2012 at 10:07 PM
Walker, Bren I will gladly compare my education and schooling to yours, including ACT and SAT scores, etc.. heck even throw in an IQ test. I will dominate you. So stop pretending to be intelligent, as you clearly are not. Just another typical liberal who thinks that being "progressive" makes them smart. Again, you are not. Better yet, do tell: what is your education, job, SAT or ACT scores?
Dirk August 04, 2012 at 10:40 PM
No one has more gaffes than our current 'president' and 'vice-president.' 4 months to go....
Bren August 06, 2012 at 07:13 PM
oak creek, you're a special kind of guy!
Bren August 06, 2012 at 07:21 PM
Greg, satire is a sophisticated form of humor in that it requires in-depth, factual knowledge of the subject to be effective. Most, if not all of the defensive responses here, including attempts to emulate Jason's style, are ineffective precisely because they lack the foundation for incongruitive humor. We are left with the sort of humor on the par with laughing at someone who has fallen. I'm not sure if it flexed my intellect per se because I was previously aware of the referenced incidents; I do believe that Jason captured the essence of Romney's entitlement mentality very well; that's why I found this article very funny.
Adam Wienieski August 07, 2012 at 03:53 AM
The connection between culture (Romney never said "heritage") and economic development is so obvious as to be banal. Countries with rampant corruption and weak rule of law will be never conducive to economic growth. But the Palestinians have gone well beyond a lack of governance and human rights to establish a terrorist death cult that poisons even the children. http://www.religionstudy.com/terrorism/teaching_children_hatred.htm http://www.israelifrontline.com/2012/06/graduation-palestinian-style.html A 2009 Pew Research study found 8 of 9 Muslim publics surveyed said suicide bombings and other forms of violence could never be justified to defend Islam; the sole exception was the public in the Palestinian territories. http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1338/declining-muslim-support-for-bin-laden-suicide-bombing After Hamas (a terrorist network voted into power by the Palestinian public) took control of Gaza in 2007 Israel was compelled to control its border in order to prevent suicide bombers from crossing over and killing thousands of innocent civilians. Hamas has no interest in peace or prosperity, only in death and terrorism. The Palestinian Islamic death cult is the world's leading example not just of inferior culture but of a pathological and self-destructive one. The inability to see this or the belief that all cultures are equally valid is a sure sign you're a moral idiot. We need a President who gets that.


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