My Exclusive (And Revealing) Interview With Mitt Romney

Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney's recent road trip abroad, which took him from Europe to the Middle East, was intended to be a showcase for his diplomatic skills and to boaster his foreign policy experience, but a number of embarrassing gaffes have the public questioning whether or not Mr. Romney is ready for the Presidency, should he win it this Fall.

At Romney's final stop in Poland there were to be no voice-recording devices allowed in as he engaged in a photo op with Poland's former President Lech Walesa, but a journalist did get a clear recording of Romney's number one assistant telling reporters to "Kiss my a**, this is a holy place in Poland!" after they tried to ask Romney questions about his previous gaffes in Israel and England.

Romney arrived back home early Wednesday morning and was kind enough to grant me an interview via Skype as he oiled up his new car elevator in his San Diego mansion.

Mr. Romney, thank you for taking the time out of your busy campaign schedule to speak with me. I hope you have had time to at least relax a little since you've been back home . . .

Mitt Romney: "Oiling up the ole' automobile elevator relaxes me. My wife and I just had this baby put in a couple of months ago to make room for my growing collection of rare collectible cars and her Cadillacs."

You have taken some flack for installing a multi-million dollar elevator in your home just for automobiles while at the same time agreeing with Tea Party Congressman Rand Paul that the Americans With Disabilities Act goes too far when it requires new buildings to have elevators installed in them to make accommodations for people with disabilities? How do you then justify an elevator in your home - for cars?

Mitt Romney: "Look, I'm not going to apologize for being successful. And besides, Cadillacs are people my friend, and my wife buys enough of them to keep GM in business all by herself, so see, it wasn't Barack Obama and the Democrats who bailed them out and saved tens of thousands of jobs, it was the Romneys. And as far as elevators in new buildings go - they are expensive and why should an employer have to be burdened with the cost of installing one for the few people who are confined to a wheelchair and want to go to work? I advocate making all disabled people work in the basement and then installing playground slides in office buildings and letting these people slide right into their work stations. Sounds fair and pretty fun doesn't it?"

Well possibly, but can we get down to some questions I have about your recent trip overseas in which many are claiming was marred with very large public gaffes with foreign . . .

Mitt Romney: "I keep hearing that and I have no idea what people are talking about! This is just another example of the liberal media spreading lies. I don't have any large giraffes overseas, and if I did I certainly wouldn' take them out in public. I do however have quite a few offshore bank accounts, but I'm trying my hardest to keep those private. And the only foreign giraffe I know of is that Melman character from Madagascar 3, who is voiced by that actor from "Friends" David Schwimmer. Boy, he is one funny Jew." 

That's exactly what the media is talking about. You just made a racist remark about Jews and while you were in Israel you insulted the Palestinians and possibly some Jews by saying the Jews were better with money because it was in their heritage. And a gaffe is not an animal, but rather an unintentional act or remark causing embarrassment.

Mitt Romney: "That's just nonsense. Everything I say is intentional. And boy, if I thought it were true that Jews were better with money simply because they were Jewish, then I would have converted from Mormonism 30 years ago." 

There's no need to overreact, other Americans had public gaffes overseas this week. Hope Solo of the womens' soccer team tweeted some embarrassing remarks against American TV analyst and retired soccer star Brandi Chastain . . . 

Mitt Romney: "Hope Solo - Listen, anyone who escapes from being frozen in carbonite by Jaba The Hut and then helps destroy the Death-star can tweet whatever the hell they want in my book!" 

Okay . . . While you were in England you insulted the Mayor of London by suggesting that his large city wasn't quite prepared for the Olympic games. Some are saying this is a mistake because it shows your incompetence in diplomacy.

Mitt Romney: "Look, that was a gaffe that went public, but there were plenty of good moments that the liberal press isn't promoting that could have showcased my good diplomatic skills . . . like when Prime Minister David Cameron asked me at a private luncheon what kind of tea bag I would like served to me, it took all of my inner strength to not punch him in his ugly English mug - I very simply and calmly told him that as an American conservative I don't care to partake in his liberal European homosexual rituals, but I know of a few Republican colleagues who are huge tea-baggers in more ways than one if you know what I mean . . . and that if I become President I would be more than happy to introduce them to each other."

In Britain, afternoon tea is served like morning coffee is in America, or like Jack Daniels is well, anytime in Mississippi, so that too was a gaffe.

Mitt Romney: "My bad."

Besides those rather embarrassing gaffes, did you enjoy any part of your visit to London?

Mitt Romney: "My time in the Olympic village was interesting  - I haven't seen so much pill-popping and casual sex since Rush Limbaugh's birthday party last year. And let me tell you something . . . if beer pong were an Olympic event, Michael Phelps and myself would definitely earn gold in a doubles match."

I have been following the Olympics from my TV here in the states, and like most people I have a few favorite events that I enjoy watching, like the men's pommel horse. Do you have any favorite Olympic events? I know you and your wife own a horse that is in the Olympic event known as the Dressage.

Mitt Romney: "To be quite honest I have never been very athletic and I am not familiar with this "pommel horse" event that you speak of, but I have pummeled a few horses in my time and if my wife's two million dollar fancy horse comes home without a medal I'm going to donate his lazy a** to the Elmer's Glue factory." 

All right, getting off the subject of the Olympics - While in Israel, besides insulting the Palestinians by saying the Jews were better with finances you also made the statement that the United States should look towards the Israeli health care system as a model. Are you aware that the Israeli health care system has mandated universal coverage for all of its citizens and a large amount of federal government control and oversight?

Mitt Romney: "Are we talking about Israel or Massachusetts? Stop confusing me . . . Can we change the subject please?"

Okay, Rolling Stone Magazine recently released their list of the top 500 albums of all-time, with the Beatles holding four of the top ten spots. Are you a fan of the Beatles?

Mitt Romney: "You know, I never really cared for that John Lennon - he was a long-haired, free-living, peace-loving hippy who went against the established religion of his day . . . Or was that Jesus?"

Okay, so the Beatles are not your thing - Do you have any other bands or favorite songs that you would like to share with the public?

Mitt Romney: "I'm kind of fond of 80's rock . . . That was a great decade for me. I made my first $100 million, most of my legitimate children were born and I chopped more cocaine on my dresser mirror every morning than I chopped heads every afternoon as the CEO of Bain Capital - Boy I miss Reaganomics."

Mr. Romney - your favorite songs?

Mitt Romney: "Oh yeah, sorry. All right, let me see . . . "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straights really got me pumped up. "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears For Fears seems to still play over and over in my head as I run for President, and one song that I always liked but was a little shy to share with anyone was "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. - But my all-time favorite has to be that patriotic song by that nice Christian rock group Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Fortunate Son."

Creedence Clearwater Revival was a progressive and anachronistic band that often wrote songs about the plight of working class people - and your favorite song, "Fortunate Son" is written from the perspective of a man who is being drafted into the Vietnam War who is not "fortunate" enough to be the son of a Senator or millionaire.

Mitt Romney: "Looks like I'll be returning that 8-track tape to Sears. You seem to be more up-to-date on music than I am - Would you suggest a more modern tune that I could use as a theme song to play on the campaign trail?"

"The Pretender" by the Foo Fighters comes to mind.

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Disclaimer: This "interview" was fictional, but please check back next week when I share my actual conversation with Wisconsin State Representative Jeff Stone, who is far less of an important figure in the GOP than Mitt Romney, but only slightly more approachable.